Nobody's Perfect

I need somewhere to put these thoughts and a blog might be more productive than, say, Facebook.

I need help. Not with my children - I can handle them on my good days with the flair of a professional nanny, managing my two year old with ease while feeding and changing my 2 month old. I need help with me. Ever since I can remember, I've loathed myself. Perhaps it's because my mother constantly reminded me that I was the reason she couldn't 'have fun'. Perhaps it's because I was told about the abuse my father inflicted on her. I will leave that to a therapist to figure out - all I know is that it's becoming unmanageable.

I get so angry with myself for feeling trapped. I have a great husband who cares very much about me, who works his butt off to support our family, and who will tag himself into the day to day wrestling when I've had my fill. I can't help it, but I do. Where would I go if I left? I've no close friends in my area. Maybe that's why. 'What if' something happened (God forbid) and I needed to take my girls and run. I have no car and no access to money. What the hell would I do?

Maybe I should back up a bit and explain why I have this sudden plunge into self-loathing. I was feeling pretty good - a little moody, perhaps, as I just had a baby and hormones can be a bitch to deal with - but generally OK. Then I got a whimsical desire to revisit an old video game we once owned and thought to ask my brother-in-law about its return to us. You see, he borrowed it (and I let him, even with my trust issues) and broke it within a couple days. Here is what happened:

Candyce Marsh
Man, I wish someone hadn't broken our copy of Mass Effect. I'd like to play it.

April 10 at 9:59pm · Friends Only · ·

- Melany Langford lol JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE
  April 10 at 10:01pm ·
- Jacob Marsh oh man, its not like i have 20$ just sitting around or anything.(i do, waiting for mom to pay me then you can get it.)
  April 10 at 10:13pm ·
- Candyce Marsh Oh man, it's not like you had money that you didn't have to wait to get from your mom but you chose to spend it on yourself rather than making good on something that happened months and months ago.
  April 11 at 7:46am ·
- Jacob Marsh oh im sorry i didnt spend the money my grandparents gsve me for my birthday for me to spend on me, and its not like im not getting it to you, i have 20$ to give you to buy it, im sorry your not patient enough to wait for it. also, my copy isnt the same copy that i broke, so technically,you would owe me if i gave you my copy.
  April 11 at 8:50am ·
- Candyce Marsh I've been patient, it's been 6 months, and your logic doesn't even make sense. Why would we owe you if you gave us your copy of Mass Effect? You owe us one copy, brand new or otherwise.
  April 11 at 8:51am ·
- Candyce Marsh It's alright, Jake. We just won't trust you. We know we can't now.
  April 11 at 8:52am ·
- Jacob Marsh
  oh really? mines the collectors edition with free DLC, so you would owe me if i gave you that, and name one time i had money, that wasmt a gift, to spemd on you, and why would i even think to? you never seem to buy me anything as a gift wi...th your personal funds, so why should i? you come off as if your entitled to anything yiou want and should get it when you want. now that that isbout of the way, why are you arguing? i was going to get it this week when i get my WORK money, but now im having second thoughts.
  
  also, how am i the selfish one when you buy a plasma screen tv, then turn around and complain about no food/diapers, then my parents bailed you out? oh for shame that jake marsh doesnt have your copy of mass effect when YOU want itSee More
  April 11 at 9:57am ·
- Jayson Marsh Wow Jake, way to totally miss the point.
  April 11 at 10:02am ·
- Candyce Marsh
  What the fuck do you know about taking care of kids, you self-righteous and arrogant little punk? You have no respect for anyone who isn't buying you shit. You have had everything in your life handed to you, from a nice new phone to a car, ...and you actually expect people to give you gifts with this attitude? I don't expect you to spend your money on me, I expect you to make something right - you broke something of ours that we loaned you.See More
  April 11 at 10:08am ·
- Jacob Marsh miss the point? OK mom and dad, the point you were making is that i owe you a copy, which i accept. my problem is that im not rolling in cash, i dont have 20$ to spend on YOU, RIGHT NOW. in a week i would have the funds, but sense you insulted me, i dont feel obligated to give you shit.
  
  word of advice, when someone says theyll pay you back, and tell you they can do it within a week, dont insult them.
  April 11 at 10:11am ·
- Candyce Marsh When you expect to see someone again in a few days, perhaps you shouldn't insult them about crap you have no inkling of. I'm not going to be going to your house again and I'm not allowing my children over there to soak up this sort of behavior. My two year old is already acting like a spoiled brat, I don't need her to be influenced any further.
  April 11 at 10:14am ·
- Jacob Marsh
  i may not know much, but i know they need diapers and formula, which we had to loan you money tp get, because you bought a tv.
  
  you dont have to buy me gifts, just dont expect me to spend my gift money on you. also the phone was bought by br...ad, you know, my brother. and he traded me mutually because he didnt want an iphone in colorado, and the car? oh im sorry my parents gave me a payed off, pre-owned, hand-me-down, already used by your husband and brad. im sorry your husband got just as much shit handed to him, and you get all your shit handed to you. do you have a job? when was the last time you had a job? who has to take care of your kids when you "dont feel well" when you "have a headache"? exactly, jayson gives you everything you ever fucking wanted, has to work for a living, and has to deal with "honey, can you make dinner/put he baby to sleep/watch the kid while i nap/feed emily/get up and walk 2 feet to get me something I could easily get up and get?" fuck off
  
  also, she acts like a spoiled brat because she gets it from you. she whines that she doesnt want chicken, you dont give her chicken, she asks for yogurt, you give her yogurt, you shower her with toys, give her everything she wants, and then blame me for herb brattyness? im sorry im in my room most of the time shes at our house, because i dont want to hear about how disadvantaged you are, or to your whining to jayson about headaches. and you call me a brat.See More
  April 11 at 10:32am ·
- Jayson Marsh Jake you really have no right to judge either of us on our parenting or financial situation(s), and you're making assumptions about both that just aren't true.
  April 11 at 10:35am ·
- Jayson Marsh Also: maybe one day you'll know what it's like to be an adult or a parent, but until then, you have no right to cast judgement on Candyce or myself. Get your attitude under control and stop making a bigger ass of yourself than you already have.
  April 11 at 10:36am · · 2 peopleLoading...
- Jacob Marsh you have no right to judge my ability to get a game for you. i cant get a job. i dont have a steady source of momey like you do. i am a child. and if you can judge me, i can judge you. eye for an eye. and dont give me that experience bull crap, just because you have a kid doesnt mean you know how to raise it, and for both their sake, i hope they realize that.
  April 11 at 10:46am ·
- Candyce Marsh Are you more interested in winning this argument (like there's going to be a winner, we're all losing here) or in being a decent human being? Would you say this to my/our faces? You are destroying our relationship permanently because I asked for something you owe us and have had the means to replace.
  April 11 at 10:52am ·
- Jayson Marsh
  Hm, yeah, replacing a broken $20 (at most) game versus parenting... yeah, that's an eye for an eye. At least you got one thing right there: you ARE a child, and you've done nothing but prove that so far today. So far you've dragged both ...my wife's and my own name through the mud because you got called out on your own bullshit, proven you're irresponsible and untrustworthy, made wrong assumptions and then character judgments based on those same wrong assumptions, insulted our abilities to raise children and completely blown a pretty straightforward argument completely out of proportion. Good show, boy, glad to see how easy it is to get a rise out of you. And oh yeah--you did this all in a public space that your parents can read, while at school. Real nice.See More
  April 11 at 10:54am · · 3 peopleLoading...
- Jayson Marsh Here's the thing: if you want to be pissed at Candyce for getting pissed at you, that's fine. That's normal, hell. But you took it a step or twelve too far and made a nice big ass out of yourself. I hope you're okay with that part.
  April 11 at 10:55am · · 1 personLoading...
- Cindy Moore ‎^win
  April 11 at 10:56am ·
- Jayson Marsh
  For the record, other things we did with the same tax return that bought the infamous TV mentioned above: paid our way into a new apartment and out of my parents' house; bought a ton of clothes, toys, and other things for Emily (who, you m...ight not realize, was already not eating formula anymore by that time); baby-proofed the aforementioned apartment including a heavy-duty gate that had to be permanently mounted to the wall. Generally with out tax returns we try to buy the "important" things first and then devote part of it to ourselves--something I'm sure you understand, since you're a kid and your only financial responsibility (if you could even call it that) is yourself; for example most of this year's tax return went to stuff for the second baby, stuff that isn't cheap at all--something else you might want to consider before casting judgments on someone's parenting or financial skills. Kids? Are expensive. Baby formula alone is $12-$20 a can and even a large can might not last a whole week--that's anywhere from $48 to $100 a month for food for Charlie ALONE right now, since we're not receiving government (yet). Diapers run around $20 a box and that box maybe lasts two weeks, depending on how often the kids need changing so that's... let's say, middle estimate, $40 for Emily and $40 for Charlie, another $80 a month. Every month. So maybe you can see why maybe in the past we've needed a little help taking care of these two specifics. But hey, that must mean we're bad parents, right? Right? Oh wait you also called Candyce out for not working for a living--do you have any idea how hard it is to handle a 2 year old by yourself all day? By yourself, while having to feed an infant who eats almost constantly? But hey maybe we could put them in daycare... a short internet search (so not necessarily accurate) tells me that daycare could run us about $180.... a WEEK (feel free to correct me, peanut gallery). So, again, kidz is expensive. GOD FORBID WE NEED HELP, WE MUST BE BAD PARENTS. As for your comments about Emily's diet? Patently false, but hey, way to go making assumptions based on incomplete data. You pick that up in Debate? (And for the record, Emily's grandparents aren't much different when it comes to feeding her. She's two, she can't really communicate, and while we do try to get her to eat what's put in front of her sometimes you just have to compromise or she won't eat at all. But you know all about raising kids, don't you? Oh wait, you don't.)See More
  April 11 at 11:12am · · 2 peopleLoading...
- Jayson Marsh Man my typing is attrocious.
  April 11 at 11:14am ·
- Jacob Marsh
  ike i said, i was going to pay you back this week. and candyce called me untrustworthy. i only insultef you parenting because you dsaid i was the cause of your childs spoildness. i proved as to why i didnt get it sooner. i want this public,... yes ui would say it to your face. look at both sides of the story. i dont have a job. i cant get a job. only insulted you because you insulted me. im more mad at candyce, less at your parenting, only broght that yp because candyce said i was handed everything. she doesnt know me, and has no right to judge.
  
  i apologise if you think i stepped out of line. See More
  April 11 at 11:27am ·
- Candyce Marsh
  Reading comprehension is not your strong suit. I said Emily was acting like a spoiled brat already and that she didn't need to see it from her uncle. I never blamed you for that. Also, as you keep repeating, you can't get a job. It would be... logical then to assume you would use money you get from other places (like a birthday or Christmas) to make good on a debt, wouldn't it? My only point was that you had money in your hand and you chose to spend it one way (again) instead of doing something you'd said you were going to do six months ago.See More
  April 11 at 11:37am ·
- Jacob Marsh once AGAIN, im getting mowing money, i was going to use that, but no, you HAVE to come first. meaning behind words fail " she doesnt need to be FURTHER influenced by her uncle." and yes, i couldve used my birthday, but i had other money i could use, but i didnt. wah
  April 11 at 12:08pm ·
- Jayson Marsh Let's argue semantics--no wait, let's argue citations! What she actually said was "My two year old is already acting like a spoiled brat, I don't need her to be influenced any further." You'll notice that full-stop. Not the words "by her uncle".
  
  And this: "but i had other money i could use, but i didnt. wah" is why we don't trust you. Thanks for providing such easy justification.
  April 11 at 12:10pm ·
- Jayson Marsh More specifically, "My two year old is already acting like a spoiled brat [on her own], I don't need her to be influenced any further [by her jackass uncle]." Again, not blaming you on her being a brat, because--hey, she's two, two year olds are brats. What she IS saying is that you're attitude makes you a pretty bad role model, not that it's your fault Emily's a brat.
  April 11 at 12:16pm ·
- Jacob Marsh okidoky, sorry i influence you daughter so much even though i see her for a maximum of 2 days a week. ill try not to make her a brat. yep im an ass. i lose. done.